I am barely breathing...

To the ones I am transparent with:

You ask how I am doing. My one friend called to make sure that I wasn't going to jump off of a bridge! I love her. Sometimes I feel like I am barely breathing. When I think of the overwhelmingness of the circumstances that I am in I want to throw up. When I let the reality of the present consume me, it is too much. But-- when I focus on how much I STILL have, then I am healed. When I have thanksgiving my burden is lightened. When I am in pain, my joy comes from reaching out and encouraging others. I don't want to be in a pit of despair. I don't want to feel bad for myself. I want to Bless the name of Jesus.

I want to ask God, are we in sin, is this punishment? What is to be gained from this? I know that he will work ALL things for his good. He promises. Sometimes we put our praises in the offering of worship to him. Sometimes our obedience, through the pain, is our offering.

Lord, make it so. Make my heart obedient to your ways. Let me remember your words of truth as I follow after you. I am holding onto hope, knowing that you never change. When my world seems dark and without much hope, you are a beeming light of unchanging power. You are bigger than anything that I could worry about. Even if nothing goes well, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are good enough. The life I have for you is bigger than where I will live and what I will eat . You promise to take care of my needs if I first seek your kingdom and your righteousness (Mathew 6:33).

I was singing a song to my kids that my dad's wife taught me. They saw very poor orphans in an African village singing this. These kids had no mom or dad, very little food, one set of clothes, probably no shoes, no or little education, poor health, on and on- - yet, this is what they sang:

"Things already better, things already better, when the LORD is on the throne....
tings already bett' eh, tings already bett' eh, tings all ready bett' eh, tings already.....bett' eh!

Amen! Things are better. Not for outward appearance. For the Lord looks not at the outward appearance of things, but at the inward state of our heart.
This was confirmed in the Jon Courson devotional that Steve and I read yesterday. It discussed Number 31:21-24 and how after the Israelites had defeated the Midiantes they had spoils of war (gold, silver, etc.- things of value). The Lord commanded that these things be tested and purified by fire(trials) and then by the water (the truth of the Word). Just as Abraham's heart was tested in his devotion to God vs. his love for his son Isaac, he was willing to give God #1 spot and was willing to offer it all. We don't know what is gold, silver, and precious in our lives versus what is wood, hay, and stubble- but God does. As we go through life's trials we see where things stand after the firey trial has passed.

Lord, I lay on the offering table: our home, my car, my husband, my children, my health, my life. (yes, this is a litttle scary, but I trust the ONE who gave them to me in the first place.) They are all yours. Burn them, purify them. Show me what is true. Change my heart. Cause me to give it all up so that I may walk without burden with you all of my days.

Sorry this was so long. Be careful when you ask someone how they are doing....
they just might stop and tell you! ha ha

Loving, living, and learning in Christ alone,
Corrie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cyqn2LxKVk
Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman- - -Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour outI'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to sayLord,
blessed be Your name.

(Blessing God in abundance and suffering is a choice. We CHOOSE to say---)